IF (movie 2024)

 This afternoon, Nana, the boys and I went to the movie theatre to see IF. The boys are newly turned thirteen and fifteen and are harder to convince to hang out with their mom and their grandma. They enjoyed Nana offering them popcorn and drinks! 

I reminded Silas of his IF (imaginary friend) named Sillyhead. He used to talk about Sillyhead ALL THE TIME when he was three and four! I’m glad I had documented it because I couldn’t remember what kind of imaginary friend it was.

Sydney wondered if HE also had an imaginary friend; he didn’t… he had a baby brother! 

BUT, WHAT IF? worries

I'm trying my best to be brave on the outside, but the fact is: inside, I'm terrified.

At bedtime, Sydney hugged me and started to cry. He said that he didn't want Mike or I to get Covid19 and die. Despite missing hanging out with Tylor, he's at peace with our idea of staying home and staying 'safe', but I think that he remains nervous that Mike continues to go to work each day. (Mike reports that the store has been really busy and he is dumb-founded how many people are out shopping with their kids, and how they invade personal space.) I'm thankful that Mike is scheduled to be on vacation next week, matching our Spring Break week, but nervous when he has to go back the week after - when numbers will be significantly higher.

We set up a will when the boys were little. We've talked about it with my boys a handful of times over the past few years; they know that in the event that both parents die, they will live with my best friend from high school, her husband, and their two sons. (They live here in town and we know that they would do everything they could to keep my boys accessible to my family.) I assured him that our money goes with the boys to care for them. 

Sydney wondered "But what if THEY die, too? Then, where do we go?" (He's the same kid that wonders "if the fire station is on fire, WHO will come help put out THAT fire?")

I told him that I suspected that they would go with either of my two local cousins and their kids OR with my brother, sister in law and niece. I assured him that SOMEONE will take care of them.

Silas was calmer and quieter, but equally snuggly. He finally just said, "can we please just stop talking about this?" and hugged me tighter.

-----> It is so hard to not know the answers to their many questions and it is difficult to find the right words to set their minds at ease. 

They are both HATING the virtual learning and both MISSING SCHOOL terribly. (They enjoy it immensely when they are free to play coding games, but don't like being held accountable for getting their work done.) We're still trying to get into a groove and figure things out. They keep asking WHEN WILL WE BE ABLE TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL? WHEN WILL WE BE ABLE TO SEE OUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY? WILL ANYONE WE KNOW DIE FROM THIS?

They joke that there are only two things to talk about on the news: Coronavirus and Weather.

We're doing a good job of being outdoors each day. Our dog is LOVING all of the extra walks and attention. Just bought them some sketchbooks to do some art today. We've done some cooking together. I'm wanting to get back to our family read aloud book; it's been a long time since we've touched it.

We're appreciative of the free lunch for the boys from BASD. (My paychecks put food on our table.)

I'm scared, knowing I'm higher risk (of fighting off Covid19). I've had cold symptoms on and off since early October and still never got rid of my cough from then. I'm congested again - with a cough - after having itchy ears, throat and eyes... again. (Just today, my neurologist just cancelled my upcoming pre-infusion appointment so, I'm wondering what they will do with my medicine; they don't like to leave us untreated. I understand that I'm safest at home but wonder FOR HOW LONG?)

Mike assures me that we've got some money in the bank. We've got investments, which have lost about 40% in the past month. We've got life insurance. He tells me we'll be fine.  (We're hoping Menards is allowed to remain open through all of this and that he'll remain employed.)

HOW CAN WE CONVINCE THE BOYS THAT THEY DON'T NEED TO WORRY? (As numbers continue to rise and it gets closer and closer to home, it will obviously, be harder.)

They recently commented on how bad they feel for people who have a birthday while this social distancing is going on. I can't help, but to think that this will continue to go on throughout all of our May birthdays. I just bought some puzzles today; likely a small celebration with this meaningful gift: Two fishermen in a canoe puzzle for Silas. A Where's Waldo-ish BOOK puzzle for Sydney. (I also have a Harry Potter Wizzard tshirt and socks purchased for Sydney's birthday and need to get something similar, but fishing themed, for Silas.

We finally have word that my parent's April trip to Ireland has officially been canceled so, we no longer need to worry about that.

I, too, miss school terribly. I miss the kids! I miss sharing smiles with them and knowing that I'm making an impact on their lives.

Wondering how to deal with all of these fears/concerns/anxieties?

I haven't slept through the night in close to two weeks. Our house is in a state of disarray. I'm trying to continue to make happy memories.

I feel like I should be cleaning and disinfecting more.

"Happiness is really feeling like you've impacted another human being positively. I think a lot of people want their work to be like that." – Johann Hari, LOST CONNECTIONS

Virtual learning until further notice - our proposed curriculum modification

I'm considering adding a daily showing of
the movie GROUNDHOG DAY
into our home-based virtual learning curriculum.
#socialdistancing #virtuallearning
March 17, 2020

Put up a fight

This is the first pandemic event that I ever recall experiencing in my life. As I watched it unfold, it was a problem in OTHER parts of the world. Within a reasonably short time, however, it crept into our country and has been identified in nearly every state. Every few days, the number of confirmed cases seems to DOUBLE with its exponential growth.

I'm saddened to hear that Italy has been forced to decide WHO should live and WHO should die. Today, I read that they are no longer saving seniors and I wondered HOW OLD IS A SENIOR? Immediately, my brain thought of my grandmother, my father in law and my own parents and I pondered what it would be like if there was a shortage of hospital beds and ventilators and the medical professions's inability to save THEM if they were Covid-19 victims. (Shiver.)

I know that this illness terrifies me when I hear that anyone could succumb to it.

I know that my pre-existing condition of an autoimmune disease (MS) is a red mark on my own record. I know that the disease modifying therapy that I'm on (infusion every six months) increases my risk of respiratory infections. I know that illness can cause MS attacks. I know that I do NOT want to get this Coronavirus, nor do I want to spread it to my senior loved ones, my family or kids at school.

I know that risk factors for complications include smoking, obesity and co-morbid conditions.

I know that my hands are dry and cracked, sometimes bleeding from frequent hand washing. I know that I've had my own hand towel in the bathroom for a few years. I know that I don't share drinks with anyone.

I know that I followed my twin brother into this world and entered at a whopping three pounds, ten ounces and 16.5" long. I know that my odds of survival at nine weeks prematurity were NOT in my favor and doctors were unsure if I would survive my collapsed lung. Somehow, I had a fighting desire inside of my tiny body and a will to live.

I know that my MS diagnosis didn't squelch my fighting desire that remains with me still today.

I know that I have NEVER smoked anything in my entire life. I fought hard out of the gate; I don't need to wreck the chance I've been given. I'm not overweight; in fact my BMI is on the lowest extreme. I walk often; Fitbit tells me 3-7 miles per day. I enjoy BodyFlow and Yoga classes whenever I have an opportunity to go or a babysitter. I enjoy reading a book while riding a recumbent bike so that I can exercise my brain AND my body. I love to cook and eat delicious* and nutritious food. (*note - gluten free bread is NOT typically described as delicious.)

I know that I've overcome so many obstacles. I know that I found Mr. Right while looking for myself. I've birthed one baby with an epidural and one without, both times bringing tremendous levels of joy into my already happy heart.

I know that I dispense happiness and optimism into the world on a daily basis. I know that I am making a big difference to impact many other humans positively. I know I've been described as annoyingly happy and that there is a smile on my face more often than not. I know that my goal in life is to dance with my sons at their weddings; THEY are my reason to live, my desire to push myself harder, to eat well, to exercise, to give myself injections or to take higher risk medicines, to be the best role model I can be. I want to be a good mom and to watch them become good humans.

I want to write books.

I have a stuffy nose and a cough. I take allergy medicine most of the year. (When my deductible is met, I was hoping to do a food allergy test to ensure that nothing in my diet is causing the post nasal drip or right side stuffiness that I often experience.

I dislike hearing that this illness presents with cold symptoms. I keep hoping to avoid it.

As I head into the germ infested world where the world fights the Coronavirus (covid19), I'll gladly wear latex gloves for protection or boxing gloves to put up a fight.

Dreaming

Today, I checked the shelf of our local library to see who I would be near when I’m a published author. I checked for both my married name AND my maiden name.

Then, I found myself wondering how many people write with a pen name.

I didn’t check the children’s section, which is ironic since that’s a probable place to find my work someday.

I really hope to make this happen.

Silas told me I needed to start writing at two o’clock today. (Since I failed to start writing last weekend when he proclaimed he was going to push me to start writing last weekend.)

The chip in the cup: looking back and ahead at LAST moments

If you ask my husband, kids or my own mother what my favorite color is, they'll all quickly proclaim: HAPPY GREEN!

I've got a HAPPY GREEN Columbia rain jacket that I love. 

This HAPPY GREEN vest was a thrift store find that made my heart happy:

(It's even reversible! Inside is off-white. Super investment!)

This HAPPY GREEN long sweater was featured in an online Facebook promotional ad at our local consignment shop. There wasn't a size listed, but I took one look at it and asked my father in law if he could watch the boys for a few minutes so I could "go run an errand". I walked into the store and announced, "I need to know what size it is because if it's my size, I'm certain it needs to live in my closet!" Luckily for me, it WAS MY SIZE and I wear it often. I don't care if the color is last year's color. It makes ME happy!

On a whim, my mom recently bought me a HAPPY GREEN SCARF:

Many of the kids at my elementary school know that my favorite color is HAPPY GREEN because I've got a happy green water bottle that they help me keep track of:

I've had this happy green mug for many years. I believe I got it prior to becoming a mother or shortly thereafter so, this ceramic vessel of transporting steamy, hot goodness has been a part of my life for about eleven years. It greets my mornings with a warm HELLO.

Sadly, I recently noticed that this cup (that brings me happiness) is chipped and likely won't last a whole lot longer. Thinking about the potential last time got me thinking about other LAST TIMES.

I didn't know that the conversation about wanting to be treated the way I deserved to be treated was the last time I'd ever speak to my (ex)brother in law.

I didn't know that my last time breastfeeding my firstborn would be a few short hours before sliding into a MRI tube that confirmed my recent onset of nystagmus was, in fact, related to my multiple sclerosis (MS).

With every MS flare, I wonder if I've experienced the last time I walked without a limp. Thankfully, so far, my gait has returned to normal. In fact, now that I'm making myself a higher priority on the totem pole, I actually feel stronger than I have in years.

I didn't know that our family dinner taking my grandmother out of the nursing home to eat in a family favorite restaurant would be the last time I'd eat with her before Alzheimer's claimed the rest of her mind and her life.

I remember hearing my youngest say BULLDOZER in a sentence and mourning the loss of him calling it a bull-da-BO-zer because that extra syllable had been with him for so many years. None of us knew that the last time would be the last time he said that silly word.

As the March calendar creeps closer, I know that I've got just three and a half more months of sharing the same school as my second-born son and that our last hallway hug truly IS fast-approaching. Next year, both of my boys will attend the intermediate school together, while I remain an aide at the elementary school that we've all now shared.

As my kids get older, I'm starting to wonder when the last time is that they'll want to cozy up close in the recliner to read a book. When's the last time they will ask to sleep in the king size bed with their dad on their respective snuggle nights. I'm wondering how long before we're asked to drop them off a few blocks away from their destination so they aren't too embarrassed to be seen with us.

My fifth grader still jumps up and wraps his strong legs around my waist, but I wonder how much longer we'll enjoy that embrace, knowing that the last one is coming In fact, reflecting back, neither son has asked for a piggy back ride for a really long time. Perhaps, the last one has already happened.

My heart melted into a tiny puddle a week or so ago when I was lying on the floor stretching and my boys asked if I could fly them on my legs like an airplane. This is something we've done countless times as I had been a stay at home mom for the first half of their lives. They are almost nine and eleven. I know the last time 'to fly' is coming.

Sometimes, I just wish time could just SLOW DOWN.

Until then, I'm planning to savor every moment and enjoy life in small sips, until the last time arrives.

Finding a treasure: Opinion writing by 3rd grader Silas

Mishgone is a fun place to go with your family. In my opinione the best place to go is the UP.

One reasone is lake supiror with the brite shiny tranquil lite houses lining the coast. the could (cold) clean glosy fragile whater (water) contains maltipull ship recks along and in the shor line. ther are Boat tors (tours) taking you arownd the finger.

Well what about camping we cant ferget that for campin you sleep in a yert. I should prodoly (probably) beyfine (define). a yert is simpily a round one room hous (house) with a glas top in the senter.

the fires are so warm and comtimes (sometimes) you can feed the duks!

In Supior they have Big foot stachuse (statues) all over the town. (there so cute)

The UP has countlles whater falls. (I climed to the top of one, my dad mayd me get my shoes dirty not like I care.)

Transcribed:

Michigan is a fun place to go with your family. In my opinion, the best place to go is the U.P.

One reason is Lake Superior with the bright, shiny, tranquil light houses lining the coast. The cold, clean, glossy, fragile water contains multiple ship wrecks along and in the shore line. There are boat tours taking you around the finger.

Well, what about camping? We can't forget that for camping, you sleep in a yurt. I should probably define. A yurt is simply a round one room house with a glass top in the center.

The fires are so warm and sometimes you can feed the ducks!

In Superior, they have Big Foot statures all over the town. (They're so cute!)

The U.P. has countless water falls. (I climbed to the top of one. My dad made me get my shoes dirty; not like I care.)

Sailing and troubled waters

Earlier tonight, my emotions had unexpectedly performed a 360° turn within moments.

I had JUST acknowledged today's date and done some calculations to acknowledge that on Valentine's Day 2020, I have officially been diagnosed with MS for 18 years.

EIGHTEEN!

At 42 years and 9 months of age, that means I have had MS for 42% of my life and overall, I've had a pretty good 'go' of it with smooth sailing.

In 2010, I gave up driving after suffering weeks of motion sickness that turned out to be caused by nystagmus and blamed solely on MS. (I, seriously, wouldn't wish nystagmus onto my worst enemy; it was a horrible experience!) Thankfully, it suddenly cleared up around the same time we discovered that I was pregnant with our second son. Hooray for remission during pregnancy! I've been hospitalized for a few days back in January 2015 for stroke-like symptoms that affected my left side of my body, but turned out to be declared an MS flare. I've been treated with high dose of oral steroids once (because it wasn't convenient to go in for an i.v. infusion late on a Friday and to have to go back in during the weekend) for an episode on optic neuritis where I had intense pain behind my eye and my color perception was dramatically skewed from one eye to the other. I've had a round of i.v. steroids to get me through an episode of other symptoms. All in all, I've fared very well, in my humble opinion.

When I was diagnosed on Valentine's Day 2002, there were just a few disease modifying treatment (DMT) choices on the market. My choices were Avonex, Betaseron, Copaxone and the brand new injection, Rebif. After careful thought, we (my newly graduated Doctor of Pharmacy (now, ex)husband and I) selected Rebif, but my blood levels were very sporadic while on this drug and was making my medical team nervous so, I was quickly put onto Copaxone instead.)

Over the years since diagnosis, I've done daily injections (Copaxone 20), injections three times per week (Copaxone 40), a daily pill (Aubagio) and finally to a twice a year i.v. infusion (Ocrevus).

I was sailing on cloud nine realizing that I've had MS for close to 20 years and have done overall, very well. For years, we've believed that my positive attitude and (reasonably) healthy diet have attributed to my general health and well-being. (I don't eat a lot of processed foods or fast foods. We eat a lot of whole foods, home-cooked. I tend to eat more fruits and vegetables than the rest of my household. I stay well-hydrated.

These past two years, I finally put MYSELF onto the top of the priority totem pole. After 8.5 years of motherhood, I finally took time for myself to exercise. I discovered yoga, water aerobics and Body Flow (yoga, pilates, tai chi) at my local fitness center. I also discovered audiobooks so that I can listen to a book while multi-tasking on housework or while pedaling a recumbent bike. My strength, balance and flexibility have improved significantly. I am stronger and healthier than I've been in years!

I stopped short-changing myself on sleep and beating myself up over the cleanliness of our house. The mess will still be there for me tomorrow. When I struggled to sleep with so many sleep disturbances from my husband and two sons, I made the healthy choice to sleep by myself in a basement bedroom where I can control the temperature, sound and light to my own sleep preference of cozy, quiet and dark. And guess what? I've never felt better!

I had acknowledged all of this, taking my brain to a 'happy place'.

And then, while perusing on a Facebook page for a MS drug, someone posed a question about people who've been diagnosed for MS for 20+ years and the responses suddenly took the wind out of my sails. Of the responders so far, a handful of them admitted that they had done very well for twenty years post-diagnosis, but by the time 25 years had passed, had quickly downgraded to a cane and almost immediately thereafter, to a walker. They discussed having to take out their bathtubs because their legs were no longer strong enough to lift over the side.

I had just been teleported from my 'happy place' to the gloomy part of the Hundred Acre Woods.

I immediately thought about our beautiful bathroom remodel that we did this past year, where we replaced the original tub for one long enough to fit my 33" inseam comfortably seated in the bottom. And then, I started to think about all of the vacations we have yet to plan.

I wondered WHAT TRIPS/EXPERIENCES need to make it to the top of the 'bucket list' to make sure that I experience greatness before I can't do it. (We've loved introducing our family to the beauty of National Parks these past few years.)

A podcast I listened to earlier this week discussed that THESE NEXT FEW YEARS of your life are almost always 'the best' years of your life and how quickly things change as we age. They encouraged TAKE THE TRIP NOW when you've got your health, instead of waiting until retirement when you've got enough wealth, but your health isn't there to enjoy the trip you've been waiting for all these years. While listening to this, I questioned WHERE DO I WANT TO GO?

Yesterday and earlier today, I was listening to a podcast that was discussing running a marathon. For a few minutes, while listening to the excitement of it all, I wondered if I could run a marathon. The podcasters were very convincing that anyone could train from couch-to-a-full marathon. I started to believe that MAYBE I could someday tackle this feat. (I got immediately turned off when they started discussing chaffing issues during training and racing. Also, reality hit when I acknowledged that I was forced out of cross country in high school after getting three stress fractures within a year because my fine bones couldn't bear the impact of running.) So, running a marathon isn't likely on my list, but I can find SOMETHING to put on my list.

And then, I came to a realization, that I've had a DREAM TO WRITE A BOOK for 58% of my life and acknowledged that SOMEDAY, 'IF' I'm no longer able to walk on my own due to complications of MS, I should have plenty of time to work on that writing and recalling years of wonderful experiences.

What's your "IF I'D...." story?

Recently, in reading the book "FAIR PLAY: A Game Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live)" by Eve Rodsky, a spark was created by having posed the questions: What's your "If I'd . . ." story? Has a lack of permission from your spouse, partner, family, or friends - either overtly or subtly implied - influenced the permission you give yourself? Have you strayed or even taken a sharp detour from your original vision of what your life would look like today? When you imagine your before-marriage-and-children self, is that woman still looking back at you in the mirror today? OR has she faded into the past?

I let that sink in for a moment, I put a post it note on the page, I jotted it down onto a piece of paper and was eager to reflect upon it when I wasn't so cramped for free time.

What IS my "If I'd..." story?

If I'd stayed married to my high school sweetheart, I'd have lived a childless life of frequent travel where I was being pushed into a career path of nursing that I hadn't selected for myself. He never wanted children, deeming them a waste of money. His high income and rotating work schedule permitted us to have a week off every month of the year to enjoy travel. His desire for more money spoke volumes whenever a customer would ask me, "what kind of nurse do you want to be?" and he would speak on my behalf, telling them that I wanted to work in a hospital because they had the most opportunity for overtime.

If I'd never been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis (MS), I wouldn't have known that my inner strength was so powerful and would have missed out on making many strong connections. There's a chance that I'd have never overcome my fear of needles either. (I passed out during a routine blood test during a school physical and never managed to live it down. I became faint looking at all of the i.v.'s in my cousin's arm when she was bedridden during a high-risk pregnancy.) Never mind being pushed into a path of nursing where I was expected to overcome my fear of needles on the spot. Giving myself daily injections provided a safety net to slow the progression of my disease. I am, however, thankful for the invention of the auto-injecting device so I didn't have to SEE the needle. There are no answers to HOW or WHY I got MS; I haven't done anything wrong to acquire or deserve this. Living my best life, with a positive attitude and good health choices has gotten me this far while I continue to wait for a cure and/or ways to reverse the damage that's already been done.

If I'd stayed in college for longer than three weeks, I'd have likely changed my major three times over the course of my college career since I didn't really have career aspirations at the age of 18. My brain was filled with being a perfect wife for my high school sweetheart; his career path, success and happiness was our focus; never mine. There's a chance that I would have ended up in elementary education or speech pathology, but I can't swear to that fact either. I likely would not have made a lot of friends in college because I had isolated myself to be with my boyfriend every chance I could get.

If I'd not heard a radio commercial on verbal abuse and not been subjected to living with Jeckyll and Hyde for a year, I'd be lacking a push to make a change when I had needed it most. My family and friends had bit their tongues for years, but I was blind. (Ironically, going blind was my biggest fear from MS; somehow, I had already suffered a different kind of blindness for years.)

If I'd not been on a long waiting list to get into nursing clinicals and not been forced to look for an alternate job during this wait time, I wouldn't have met my current husband. Ironically, I was trying to set him up with anyone I knew because he was the nicest guy. Serendipity. Funny how the world works; talk about being in the right place at the right time.

If I'd believed in myself, or had the right people encouraging me along the way, I'd have followed my dream to become a writer without having said "Someday, I'd like to write a book" for more than twenty years. (A few weeks ago, I ran across some writing awards I had received in high school, as well as a college classroom assignment where my 18 or 19-year old self proclaimed:

As for my future, I want to fulfill my dream of publishing a book. I don't know if I will pursue an adult or children's book, either way - my dream will come true. I would someday like to do work with children's books or children's public television. Here, I think I could make an impact on society.

I've used the excuse that I don't know if I'd like to write for children or adults for far too long. I do, however, find it comforting that I'm currently employed as a teacher's aide and making an impact on society with my positive energy.

If I'd have been offended that my grandmother was telling everyone that her newly married granddaughter couldn't ever have children because she has MS, I would have never become a mother. (Granted, meeting Mr. Right years later - who wanted to have a family, also helped my cause.)

If I'd never become a mother, I would have missed out on the challenging and exciting journey that enriched my life in so many ways and taught me a love deeper than I ever thought possible, as well as made me better at my job, working with kids.

If I'd taught my sons to sit down when they pee, there's a good chance I'd have a significantly cleaner bathroom.

I'm thankful for the path that has taken me to where I am today. Thankfully, it's not too late to chase dreams and share my creative voice.

Now, I just need to find the right balance and routines to manage life and make it happen.

One. Two. Both. COMPARISONS - documented January 2020

One. Two. Both. (Comparisons) January 2020

Silas enjoys archery.
Sydney enjoys reading.
Both boys enjoy their weekly snuggle night in Dad's bed.

Silas wears a dress shirt and long tie to school often, but is the first kid to go play outside in the dirt at home.
Sydney wears tshirts and pants (either sweat pants or dress pants: NOT JEANS) if he's forced to get out of his pajamas.
Both boys leave dirty clothes on bedroom or bathroom floors OR next to the hamper.

Silas likes raspberries.
Sydney likes blueberries.
Both boys can devour an entire container of berries in one sitting, without sharing. (Although, if you find a container in the fridge with less than ten berries left in it, Sydney is your guilty party.)

Silas sleeps in silence.
Sydney sleeps with an air purifier on.
Both boys cover their heads when they sleep.

Silas sleeps in undies.
Sydney sleeps in pajama pants.
Both boys love days when they can skip getting dressed, wrapping themselves in blankets instead.

Silas loves LASAGNA.
Sydney loves RICE AND BEANS.
Both boys love LENTIL SOUP.

Silas is in Montessori, level 3.
Sydney is in traditional, 5th grade.
Both boys were invited to be in TSID (Talent and Strength Identification and Development) this year.

Silas has precise handwriting and many backwards letters, resembling Christoper Robin script.
Sydney has sloppy handwriting and a lack of spacing between words where even HE struggles to read his own work.
Both boys spell phonetically, like their dad, and giggle when their dad argues that the sound is different between the words there, their and they're; he insists that you have to LISTEN TO THE PRONUNCIATIONS to know which spelling you have/need.

Silas has a path to his bed, keeping a terribly messy bedroom, despite being in the Montessori program where EVERYTHING has a home and you use only one item at a time. (He stays after school some days to tidy the classroom, demonstrating how particular he can be. Gets some perfectionist qualities from his mom.)
Sydney keeps his bedroom reasonably tidy. You often find him in his bedroom, avoiding tasks, with his nose in a book.
Both boys throw clean clothes back in the wash instead of putting them away.


Silas wears wide shoes.
Sydney wears regular width shoes.
Neither boy can find his shoes easily when it's time to go.

Silas is 8.5 years old.
Sydney is 10.5 years old.
Both boys wish to be left home alone (and would like to gain access to their home chrome books again.)

UPDATE: Recently had their feet measured and learned that Sydney can also wear a WIDE shoe; so much for buying shoes from the Clearance rack at Kohl's now. Looks like we'll be special ordering all of their shoes in WIDE now. Bummer.

The opposite of 'Gone, but not forgotten'

I used to blog on a regular basis. It was a fantastic way to journal and share what was going on in our lives with family and friends when we lived far away. Being a stay at home mom and raising littles gave us plenty of things to share and no shortage of entertainment factor.

Since relocating back to my beloved hometown and being surrounded my a majority of our loved ones (and while our lives got exponentially busier), I got away from blogging. I also went from a stay at home mom to a working mom.

However, after all this time, I didn't lose my desire to write. I just lost my free time by entering the work force and getting busier with life, parenting, Cub Scouts, etc.

I'm still here. Still waiting for SOMEDAY to come.

Still trying to balance housework, family and health. (Although, since moving here, I finally figured out how to make MYSELF a priority on the totem pole. It took me six years before I took time to exercise. I love attending a weekly yoga class.)


Something in my life that truly DOES fall under the 'GONE, but not forgotten' category is my ability to use my right arm in a functional manner. I go in for botox injections on a regular basis now so that the neurologist can tone down spasticity due to MS. Without it brought intense pain where my right shoulder dropped and it physically hurt to breathe.

For a month or so, I've been unable to physically lift my right arm into the air  as if I have a question, or to raise it from the two o'clock position to the twelve o'clock position. It just won't go. Sadly, I am unable to retrieve dishes of food from my over-the-stove microwave, reach my garage door opener from my car visor, or accomplish basic yoga moves. It takes two hands to put on mascara (as I have to use my left hand to raise my right elbow above shoulder high). Sometimes, I even need two hands to brush my teeth.

I'm getting quite good at using my left hand to get jobs done or to assist my right in it's mission(s).

I continue to wait for my arm function to come back while I WAIT FOR A CURE for MS.

I want to...

I want to...

write a book
enjoy snow-shoeing with my family
take a relaxing vacation that includes a sandy beach, an umbrella in my drink and a book in my hand
take a polar bear expedition in Churchill, Manitoba
dance with my boy(s) at their wedding(s)
have financial security so that I can spoil my kids and grandkids the way our parents spoil us

Anatomy of a Guard Mom

I have often been the KEEPER OF THE CAMERA and subsequently, NOT IN PHOTOS. We've got oodles of pictures of my husband with the kids, but very few with THE MOM photographed along-side her kids.

Years back, I made a conscious effort to start using the self-timer more so that I could be in SOME of the photos that we take. I also TRIED to take selfies with my kids, reminding myself that even if it isn't perfect, it is FAR BETTER than no memories.

So, I just went through our digital photo album in search of FAMILY OF FOUR pics and decided that I wanted to continue looking for MOMMY TRIO pics. Alas: a collection!


https://photo.walgreens.com/store/share?via=link&token=68pGxdXNOHqSCRoy64000g/SFO/1001938573060/WALGREENS

Pain and pressure, intensity of color in left eye

Called the neurologist today because I had suffered from pain and pressure behind my left eye for most of the day.

Tonight, with my glasses off and one eye covered at a time, I noticed that my right eye looks normal - with colors warm and rich. My left eye makes the walls have a grayish greenish cast instead of the warm light cast.

I'm getting worked in for an appointment with the eye doctor tomorrow afternoon.

Fingers are crossed.

2017: Nov 28 Letter to Grandpa

Nov 28, 2017

Deer GrandPu,

Thak you For SPenDin

g Time With SYDNey 

anD I. I cant Wate 

until you Can visit 

us agen Becus We 

hav so much f=un with 

you. DiD you enjoy 

Pass The Pig, go Fish, 

or Batel shiP The 

most of all? 

from, SilAs

(age 6)

When his lowercase A's and G's are typically backwards and letters are randomly capitalized throughout. {love this.} Took pics of it before it goes in the mail because he addressed the envelope himself, too.... and they might have a hard time reading it at the post office. (He tried SO HARD!)

For the record, we were going to write "We forgot to go to Culver's for Pumpkin shakes with you" and "we enjoyed some of those on Monday after school" but Silas got teary-eyed and announced "We can't tell him that; that will make him feel bad that he didn't get to enjoy that with us." Then, I questioned, "What if we tell him 'we thought of you while we were enjoying our pumpkin shakes' instead?" Silas insisted that it was TRUE that we thought of him... because we had discussed how we forgot to go there with Grandpa, but he was still pretty sure that Grandpa's feelings might get hurt from missing out on our fun. 

Sometimes, he is a really, Really, REALLY sweet boy!

And those pumpkin shakes truly were DELICIOUS!

Introduction to Battleship

2017: Side by Side Christmas Letter comparison

These two look like brothers! Side-by-side comparison.
{look at those eyes!}

UP NORTH over the weekend

We went "up North" over the weekend, making a long weekend out of it, so that Nana and Papa could go to a funeral while WE entertained Emma and so that the boys could do some fishing with (our) Grandpa Lowell.

Silas learned how to clean fish. Mommy was learning how to cast.

Sydney is good at casting. Silas and Mommy are unpredictable casters, often throwing the line right next to them from releasing the button at the completely wrong time.

On this trip, it was Silas (6) who wanted the pontoon boat to "go slower" when it wasn't out of neutral, which is what had happened years ago when Sydney tried his hand at tubing (while Silas wanted to go faster and faster). This time, Sydney (8) had outgrown the pontoon's rate of speed and had wanted to go "faster, Faster, FASTER!" It was Sydney who held onto the tube and tried to trow the tube from side to side while he was riding it. It was Sydney who stood up while the tube was moving. It was Sydney who threw his hands into the air while standing in the moving tube. It was Sydney who dipped his back half into the water and climbed back onto the tube - while it was moving.

Other highlights of the trip: hearing a loon call out across the lake and having a Bald Eagle fly past the dock while we were out fishing!

Papa showed the boys where he keeps all of the materials for building a canoe. (Silas had asked him more than a year ago if Papa would build HIM a canoe.) Papa has had the materials for 20 years or so and hasn't gotten around to it yet. On this trip, he showed Silas the building plans to build one.

We also taught Nana how to play SkipBo on this trip.

Good times were had by *ALL.

















*except for HE who sleeps in the living room recliner and gives "the stink eye" to everyone for waking him up too early.

NP VAC | Two.

yesterday's adventures took us to the hotel lobby for breakfast. Omelettes, ham slices, waffles, cold cereal, apples, strawberry banana yogurt. Afterwards, we packed up, loaded the car and made our way to the Mammoth Cave National Park.

We got out and took a picture at the park entrance and walked a short (.1 mile) trail to a (closed) cave that had drawn a lot of attention in the past - where a famous spelunker was trapped and had died years ago. We made our way to the Visitor Center (where Mike picked up our Domes and Drips Tour tickets) and we registered for the Junior Ranger program. We ate a picnic lunch out of the back of the car and ventured for our tour. Sydney had the nervous piddles.

We rode a bus to a metal door in the middle of nowhere. There, we climbed down a set of stairs, through a sink hole, under the Earth. Our two hour tour  took us to two chambers with seating benches. One area, they turned off ALL LIGHTS, leaving us in 100% darkness on the count of three. Then, she lit one single candle to illuminate the cave while we listened to her talk. Moments later, she allowed everyone to light the place up with watches and cell phones before turning on the lights again.

Sydney proudly answered the stalactite and stalagmite question for the entire group.

Our seats were directly under fairy ceiling.

We were going to hike, but decided to follow a road to a ferry instead, not knowing how far away it was! Abandoned that idea, made a giant lap in the car around the outside portion of the park and drove back to 'town' for Sydney to run barefoot into Wendy's to go potty. Made our way to the bed and breakfast in the middle of NOWHERE!

Mike took a bath in the oversized whirlpool tub while we sat on the patio reading Land of Stories and petting a small cat. It was difficult to keep the kids from exploring the farm; we kept boots in the car. Eventually, we ALL took a bath. (I miss our whirlpool bath from Dubuque!!!)

Early bedtime. Boys on pull out couch while we had a queen bed. Silliness, fighting over sheets at bedtime.

6:45am as I write this post, the rooster just crowed TWICE while Mike denies hearing it (with a pillow over his head) *I woke to a bright room at 6:08am.

Syd and I are going to let them sleep a while longer.

Cell phone will likely be turned off

 Got a text alert message last night that we have used up 75% of the data plan which bills out on July 3.  We have been Roaming for most of our trip and used the cell phone for navigation purposes.  My battery life continues to be inadequate. I plan to turn the phone OFF and to check it tonight.