BUT, WHAT IF? worries

I'm trying my best to be brave on the outside, but the fact is: inside, I'm terrified.

At bedtime, Sydney hugged me and started to cry. He said that he didn't want Mike or I to get Covid19 and die. Despite missing hanging out with Tylor, he's at peace with our idea of staying home and staying 'safe', but I think that he remains nervous that Mike continues to go to work each day. (Mike reports that the store has been really busy and he is dumb-founded how many people are out shopping with their kids, and how they invade personal space.) I'm thankful that Mike is scheduled to be on vacation next week, matching our Spring Break week, but nervous when he has to go back the week after - when numbers will be significantly higher.

We set up a will when the boys were little. We've talked about it with my boys a handful of times over the past few years; they know that in the event that both parents die, they will live with my best friend from high school, her husband, and their two sons. (They live here in town and we know that they would do everything they could to keep my boys accessible to my family.) I assured him that our money goes with the boys to care for them. 

Sydney wondered "But what if THEY die, too? Then, where do we go?" (He's the same kid that wonders "if the fire station is on fire, WHO will come help put out THAT fire?")

I told him that I suspected that they would go with either of my two local cousins and their kids OR with my brother, sister in law and niece. I assured him that SOMEONE will take care of them.

Silas was calmer and quieter, but equally snuggly. He finally just said, "can we please just stop talking about this?" and hugged me tighter.

-----> It is so hard to not know the answers to their many questions and it is difficult to find the right words to set their minds at ease. 

They are both HATING the virtual learning and both MISSING SCHOOL terribly. (They enjoy it immensely when they are free to play coding games, but don't like being held accountable for getting their work done.) We're still trying to get into a groove and figure things out. They keep asking WHEN WILL WE BE ABLE TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL? WHEN WILL WE BE ABLE TO SEE OUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY? WILL ANYONE WE KNOW DIE FROM THIS?

They joke that there are only two things to talk about on the news: Coronavirus and Weather.

We're doing a good job of being outdoors each day. Our dog is LOVING all of the extra walks and attention. Just bought them some sketchbooks to do some art today. We've done some cooking together. I'm wanting to get back to our family read aloud book; it's been a long time since we've touched it.

We're appreciative of the free lunch for the boys from BASD. (My paychecks put food on our table.)

I'm scared, knowing I'm higher risk (of fighting off Covid19). I've had cold symptoms on and off since early October and still never got rid of my cough from then. I'm congested again - with a cough - after having itchy ears, throat and eyes... again. (Just today, my neurologist just cancelled my upcoming pre-infusion appointment so, I'm wondering what they will do with my medicine; they don't like to leave us untreated. I understand that I'm safest at home but wonder FOR HOW LONG?)

Mike assures me that we've got some money in the bank. We've got investments, which have lost about 40% in the past month. We've got life insurance. He tells me we'll be fine.  (We're hoping Menards is allowed to remain open through all of this and that he'll remain employed.)

HOW CAN WE CONVINCE THE BOYS THAT THEY DON'T NEED TO WORRY? (As numbers continue to rise and it gets closer and closer to home, it will obviously, be harder.)

They recently commented on how bad they feel for people who have a birthday while this social distancing is going on. I can't help, but to think that this will continue to go on throughout all of our May birthdays. I just bought some puzzles today; likely a small celebration with this meaningful gift: Two fishermen in a canoe puzzle for Silas. A Where's Waldo-ish BOOK puzzle for Sydney. (I also have a Harry Potter Wizzard tshirt and socks purchased for Sydney's birthday and need to get something similar, but fishing themed, for Silas.

We finally have word that my parent's April trip to Ireland has officially been canceled so, we no longer need to worry about that.

I, too, miss school terribly. I miss the kids! I miss sharing smiles with them and knowing that I'm making an impact on their lives.

Wondering how to deal with all of these fears/concerns/anxieties?

I haven't slept through the night in close to two weeks. Our house is in a state of disarray. I'm trying to continue to make happy memories.

I feel like I should be cleaning and disinfecting more.

"Happiness is really feeling like you've impacted another human being positively. I think a lot of people want their work to be like that." – Johann Hari, LOST CONNECTIONS

Virtual learning until further notice - our proposed curriculum modification

I'm considering adding a daily showing of
the movie GROUNDHOG DAY
into our home-based virtual learning curriculum.
#socialdistancing #virtuallearning
March 17, 2020

Put up a fight

This is the first pandemic event that I ever recall experiencing in my life. As I watched it unfold, it was a problem in OTHER parts of the world. Within a reasonably short time, however, it crept into our country and has been identified in nearly every state. Every few days, the number of confirmed cases seems to DOUBLE with its exponential growth.

I'm saddened to hear that Italy has been forced to decide WHO should live and WHO should die. Today, I read that they are no longer saving seniors and I wondered HOW OLD IS A SENIOR? Immediately, my brain thought of my grandmother, my father in law and my own parents and I pondered what it would be like if there was a shortage of hospital beds and ventilators and the medical professions's inability to save THEM if they were Covid-19 victims. (Shiver.)

I know that this illness terrifies me when I hear that anyone could succumb to it.

I know that my pre-existing condition of an autoimmune disease (MS) is a red mark on my own record. I know that the disease modifying therapy that I'm on (infusion every six months) increases my risk of respiratory infections. I know that illness can cause MS attacks. I know that I do NOT want to get this Coronavirus, nor do I want to spread it to my senior loved ones, my family or kids at school.

I know that risk factors for complications include smoking, obesity and co-morbid conditions.

I know that my hands are dry and cracked, sometimes bleeding from frequent hand washing. I know that I've had my own hand towel in the bathroom for a few years. I know that I don't share drinks with anyone.

I know that I followed my twin brother into this world and entered at a whopping three pounds, ten ounces and 16.5" long. I know that my odds of survival at nine weeks prematurity were NOT in my favor and doctors were unsure if I would survive my collapsed lung. Somehow, I had a fighting desire inside of my tiny body and a will to live.

I know that my MS diagnosis didn't squelch my fighting desire that remains with me still today.

I know that I have NEVER smoked anything in my entire life. I fought hard out of the gate; I don't need to wreck the chance I've been given. I'm not overweight; in fact my BMI is on the lowest extreme. I walk often; Fitbit tells me 3-7 miles per day. I enjoy BodyFlow and Yoga classes whenever I have an opportunity to go or a babysitter. I enjoy reading a book while riding a recumbent bike so that I can exercise my brain AND my body. I love to cook and eat delicious* and nutritious food. (*note - gluten free bread is NOT typically described as delicious.)

I know that I've overcome so many obstacles. I know that I found Mr. Right while looking for myself. I've birthed one baby with an epidural and one without, both times bringing tremendous levels of joy into my already happy heart.

I know that I dispense happiness and optimism into the world on a daily basis. I know that I am making a big difference to impact many other humans positively. I know I've been described as annoyingly happy and that there is a smile on my face more often than not. I know that my goal in life is to dance with my sons at their weddings; THEY are my reason to live, my desire to push myself harder, to eat well, to exercise, to give myself injections or to take higher risk medicines, to be the best role model I can be. I want to be a good mom and to watch them become good humans.

I want to write books.

I have a stuffy nose and a cough. I take allergy medicine most of the year. (When my deductible is met, I was hoping to do a food allergy test to ensure that nothing in my diet is causing the post nasal drip or right side stuffiness that I often experience.

I dislike hearing that this illness presents with cold symptoms. I keep hoping to avoid it.

As I head into the germ infested world where the world fights the Coronavirus (covid19), I'll gladly wear latex gloves for protection or boxing gloves to put up a fight.

Dreaming

Today, I checked the shelf of our local library to see who I would be near when I’m a published author. I checked for both my married name AND my maiden name.

Then, I found myself wondering how many people write with a pen name.

I didn’t check the children’s section, which is ironic since that’s a probable place to find my work someday.

I really hope to make this happen.

Silas told me I needed to start writing at two o’clock today. (Since I failed to start writing last weekend when he proclaimed he was going to push me to start writing last weekend.)