The chip in the cup: looking back and ahead at LAST moments

If you ask my husband, kids or my own mother what my favorite color is, they'll all quickly proclaim: HAPPY GREEN!

I've got a HAPPY GREEN Columbia rain jacket that I love. 

This HAPPY GREEN vest was a thrift store find that made my heart happy:

(It's even reversible! Inside is off-white. Super investment!)

This HAPPY GREEN long sweater was featured in an online Facebook promotional ad at our local consignment shop. There wasn't a size listed, but I took one look at it and asked my father in law if he could watch the boys for a few minutes so I could "go run an errand". I walked into the store and announced, "I need to know what size it is because if it's my size, I'm certain it needs to live in my closet!" Luckily for me, it WAS MY SIZE and I wear it often. I don't care if the color is last year's color. It makes ME happy!

On a whim, my mom recently bought me a HAPPY GREEN SCARF:

Many of the kids at my elementary school know that my favorite color is HAPPY GREEN because I've got a happy green water bottle that they help me keep track of:

I've had this happy green mug for many years. I believe I got it prior to becoming a mother or shortly thereafter so, this ceramic vessel of transporting steamy, hot goodness has been a part of my life for about eleven years. It greets my mornings with a warm HELLO.

Sadly, I recently noticed that this cup (that brings me happiness) is chipped and likely won't last a whole lot longer. Thinking about the potential last time got me thinking about other LAST TIMES.

I didn't know that the conversation about wanting to be treated the way I deserved to be treated was the last time I'd ever speak to my (ex)brother in law.

I didn't know that my last time breastfeeding my firstborn would be a few short hours before sliding into a MRI tube that confirmed my recent onset of nystagmus was, in fact, related to my multiple sclerosis (MS).

With every MS flare, I wonder if I've experienced the last time I walked without a limp. Thankfully, so far, my gait has returned to normal. In fact, now that I'm making myself a higher priority on the totem pole, I actually feel stronger than I have in years.

I didn't know that our family dinner taking my grandmother out of the nursing home to eat in a family favorite restaurant would be the last time I'd eat with her before Alzheimer's claimed the rest of her mind and her life.

I remember hearing my youngest say BULLDOZER in a sentence and mourning the loss of him calling it a bull-da-BO-zer because that extra syllable had been with him for so many years. None of us knew that the last time would be the last time he said that silly word.

As the March calendar creeps closer, I know that I've got just three and a half more months of sharing the same school as my second-born son and that our last hallway hug truly IS fast-approaching. Next year, both of my boys will attend the intermediate school together, while I remain an aide at the elementary school that we've all now shared.

As my kids get older, I'm starting to wonder when the last time is that they'll want to cozy up close in the recliner to read a book. When's the last time they will ask to sleep in the king size bed with their dad on their respective snuggle nights. I'm wondering how long before we're asked to drop them off a few blocks away from their destination so they aren't too embarrassed to be seen with us.

My fifth grader still jumps up and wraps his strong legs around my waist, but I wonder how much longer we'll enjoy that embrace, knowing that the last one is coming In fact, reflecting back, neither son has asked for a piggy back ride for a really long time. Perhaps, the last one has already happened.

My heart melted into a tiny puddle a week or so ago when I was lying on the floor stretching and my boys asked if I could fly them on my legs like an airplane. This is something we've done countless times as I had been a stay at home mom for the first half of their lives. They are almost nine and eleven. I know the last time 'to fly' is coming.

Sometimes, I just wish time could just SLOW DOWN.

Until then, I'm planning to savor every moment and enjoy life in small sips, until the last time arrives.

Finding a treasure: Opinion writing by 3rd grader Silas

Mishgone is a fun place to go with your family. In my opinione the best place to go is the UP.

One reasone is lake supiror with the brite shiny tranquil lite houses lining the coast. the could (cold) clean glosy fragile whater (water) contains maltipull ship recks along and in the shor line. ther are Boat tors (tours) taking you arownd the finger.

Well what about camping we cant ferget that for campin you sleep in a yert. I should prodoly (probably) beyfine (define). a yert is simpily a round one room hous (house) with a glas top in the senter.

the fires are so warm and comtimes (sometimes) you can feed the duks!

In Supior they have Big foot stachuse (statues) all over the town. (there so cute)

The UP has countlles whater falls. (I climed to the top of one, my dad mayd me get my shoes dirty not like I care.)

Transcribed:

Michigan is a fun place to go with your family. In my opinion, the best place to go is the U.P.

One reason is Lake Superior with the bright, shiny, tranquil light houses lining the coast. The cold, clean, glossy, fragile water contains multiple ship wrecks along and in the shore line. There are boat tours taking you around the finger.

Well, what about camping? We can't forget that for camping, you sleep in a yurt. I should probably define. A yurt is simply a round one room house with a glass top in the center.

The fires are so warm and sometimes you can feed the ducks!

In Superior, they have Big Foot statures all over the town. (They're so cute!)

The U.P. has countless water falls. (I climbed to the top of one. My dad made me get my shoes dirty; not like I care.)

Sailing and troubled waters

Earlier tonight, my emotions had unexpectedly performed a 360° turn within moments.

I had JUST acknowledged today's date and done some calculations to acknowledge that on Valentine's Day 2020, I have officially been diagnosed with MS for 18 years.

EIGHTEEN!

At 42 years and 9 months of age, that means I have had MS for 42% of my life and overall, I've had a pretty good 'go' of it with smooth sailing.

In 2010, I gave up driving after suffering weeks of motion sickness that turned out to be caused by nystagmus and blamed solely on MS. (I, seriously, wouldn't wish nystagmus onto my worst enemy; it was a horrible experience!) Thankfully, it suddenly cleared up around the same time we discovered that I was pregnant with our second son. Hooray for remission during pregnancy! I've been hospitalized for a few days back in January 2015 for stroke-like symptoms that affected my left side of my body, but turned out to be declared an MS flare. I've been treated with high dose of oral steroids once (because it wasn't convenient to go in for an i.v. infusion late on a Friday and to have to go back in during the weekend) for an episode on optic neuritis where I had intense pain behind my eye and my color perception was dramatically skewed from one eye to the other. I've had a round of i.v. steroids to get me through an episode of other symptoms. All in all, I've fared very well, in my humble opinion.

When I was diagnosed on Valentine's Day 2002, there were just a few disease modifying treatment (DMT) choices on the market. My choices were Avonex, Betaseron, Copaxone and the brand new injection, Rebif. After careful thought, we (my newly graduated Doctor of Pharmacy (now, ex)husband and I) selected Rebif, but my blood levels were very sporadic while on this drug and was making my medical team nervous so, I was quickly put onto Copaxone instead.)

Over the years since diagnosis, I've done daily injections (Copaxone 20), injections three times per week (Copaxone 40), a daily pill (Aubagio) and finally to a twice a year i.v. infusion (Ocrevus).

I was sailing on cloud nine realizing that I've had MS for close to 20 years and have done overall, very well. For years, we've believed that my positive attitude and (reasonably) healthy diet have attributed to my general health and well-being. (I don't eat a lot of processed foods or fast foods. We eat a lot of whole foods, home-cooked. I tend to eat more fruits and vegetables than the rest of my household. I stay well-hydrated.

These past two years, I finally put MYSELF onto the top of the priority totem pole. After 8.5 years of motherhood, I finally took time for myself to exercise. I discovered yoga, water aerobics and Body Flow (yoga, pilates, tai chi) at my local fitness center. I also discovered audiobooks so that I can listen to a book while multi-tasking on housework or while pedaling a recumbent bike. My strength, balance and flexibility have improved significantly. I am stronger and healthier than I've been in years!

I stopped short-changing myself on sleep and beating myself up over the cleanliness of our house. The mess will still be there for me tomorrow. When I struggled to sleep with so many sleep disturbances from my husband and two sons, I made the healthy choice to sleep by myself in a basement bedroom where I can control the temperature, sound and light to my own sleep preference of cozy, quiet and dark. And guess what? I've never felt better!

I had acknowledged all of this, taking my brain to a 'happy place'.

And then, while perusing on a Facebook page for a MS drug, someone posed a question about people who've been diagnosed for MS for 20+ years and the responses suddenly took the wind out of my sails. Of the responders so far, a handful of them admitted that they had done very well for twenty years post-diagnosis, but by the time 25 years had passed, had quickly downgraded to a cane and almost immediately thereafter, to a walker. They discussed having to take out their bathtubs because their legs were no longer strong enough to lift over the side.

I had just been teleported from my 'happy place' to the gloomy part of the Hundred Acre Woods.

I immediately thought about our beautiful bathroom remodel that we did this past year, where we replaced the original tub for one long enough to fit my 33" inseam comfortably seated in the bottom. And then, I started to think about all of the vacations we have yet to plan.

I wondered WHAT TRIPS/EXPERIENCES need to make it to the top of the 'bucket list' to make sure that I experience greatness before I can't do it. (We've loved introducing our family to the beauty of National Parks these past few years.)

A podcast I listened to earlier this week discussed that THESE NEXT FEW YEARS of your life are almost always 'the best' years of your life and how quickly things change as we age. They encouraged TAKE THE TRIP NOW when you've got your health, instead of waiting until retirement when you've got enough wealth, but your health isn't there to enjoy the trip you've been waiting for all these years. While listening to this, I questioned WHERE DO I WANT TO GO?

Yesterday and earlier today, I was listening to a podcast that was discussing running a marathon. For a few minutes, while listening to the excitement of it all, I wondered if I could run a marathon. The podcasters were very convincing that anyone could train from couch-to-a-full marathon. I started to believe that MAYBE I could someday tackle this feat. (I got immediately turned off when they started discussing chaffing issues during training and racing. Also, reality hit when I acknowledged that I was forced out of cross country in high school after getting three stress fractures within a year because my fine bones couldn't bear the impact of running.) So, running a marathon isn't likely on my list, but I can find SOMETHING to put on my list.

And then, I came to a realization, that I've had a DREAM TO WRITE A BOOK for 58% of my life and acknowledged that SOMEDAY, 'IF' I'm no longer able to walk on my own due to complications of MS, I should have plenty of time to work on that writing and recalling years of wonderful experiences.

What's your "IF I'D...." story?

Recently, in reading the book "FAIR PLAY: A Game Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live)" by Eve Rodsky, a spark was created by having posed the questions: What's your "If I'd . . ." story? Has a lack of permission from your spouse, partner, family, or friends - either overtly or subtly implied - influenced the permission you give yourself? Have you strayed or even taken a sharp detour from your original vision of what your life would look like today? When you imagine your before-marriage-and-children self, is that woman still looking back at you in the mirror today? OR has she faded into the past?

I let that sink in for a moment, I put a post it note on the page, I jotted it down onto a piece of paper and was eager to reflect upon it when I wasn't so cramped for free time.

What IS my "If I'd..." story?

If I'd stayed married to my high school sweetheart, I'd have lived a childless life of frequent travel where I was being pushed into a career path of nursing that I hadn't selected for myself. He never wanted children, deeming them a waste of money. His high income and rotating work schedule permitted us to have a week off every month of the year to enjoy travel. His desire for more money spoke volumes whenever a customer would ask me, "what kind of nurse do you want to be?" and he would speak on my behalf, telling them that I wanted to work in a hospital because they had the most opportunity for overtime.

If I'd never been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis (MS), I wouldn't have known that my inner strength was so powerful and would have missed out on making many strong connections. There's a chance that I'd have never overcome my fear of needles either. (I passed out during a routine blood test during a school physical and never managed to live it down. I became faint looking at all of the i.v.'s in my cousin's arm when she was bedridden during a high-risk pregnancy.) Never mind being pushed into a path of nursing where I was expected to overcome my fear of needles on the spot. Giving myself daily injections provided a safety net to slow the progression of my disease. I am, however, thankful for the invention of the auto-injecting device so I didn't have to SEE the needle. There are no answers to HOW or WHY I got MS; I haven't done anything wrong to acquire or deserve this. Living my best life, with a positive attitude and good health choices has gotten me this far while I continue to wait for a cure and/or ways to reverse the damage that's already been done.

If I'd stayed in college for longer than three weeks, I'd have likely changed my major three times over the course of my college career since I didn't really have career aspirations at the age of 18. My brain was filled with being a perfect wife for my high school sweetheart; his career path, success and happiness was our focus; never mine. There's a chance that I would have ended up in elementary education or speech pathology, but I can't swear to that fact either. I likely would not have made a lot of friends in college because I had isolated myself to be with my boyfriend every chance I could get.

If I'd not heard a radio commercial on verbal abuse and not been subjected to living with Jeckyll and Hyde for a year, I'd be lacking a push to make a change when I had needed it most. My family and friends had bit their tongues for years, but I was blind. (Ironically, going blind was my biggest fear from MS; somehow, I had already suffered a different kind of blindness for years.)

If I'd not been on a long waiting list to get into nursing clinicals and not been forced to look for an alternate job during this wait time, I wouldn't have met my current husband. Ironically, I was trying to set him up with anyone I knew because he was the nicest guy. Serendipity. Funny how the world works; talk about being in the right place at the right time.

If I'd believed in myself, or had the right people encouraging me along the way, I'd have followed my dream to become a writer without having said "Someday, I'd like to write a book" for more than twenty years. (A few weeks ago, I ran across some writing awards I had received in high school, as well as a college classroom assignment where my 18 or 19-year old self proclaimed:

As for my future, I want to fulfill my dream of publishing a book. I don't know if I will pursue an adult or children's book, either way - my dream will come true. I would someday like to do work with children's books or children's public television. Here, I think I could make an impact on society.

I've used the excuse that I don't know if I'd like to write for children or adults for far too long. I do, however, find it comforting that I'm currently employed as a teacher's aide and making an impact on society with my positive energy.

If I'd have been offended that my grandmother was telling everyone that her newly married granddaughter couldn't ever have children because she has MS, I would have never become a mother. (Granted, meeting Mr. Right years later - who wanted to have a family, also helped my cause.)

If I'd never become a mother, I would have missed out on the challenging and exciting journey that enriched my life in so many ways and taught me a love deeper than I ever thought possible, as well as made me better at my job, working with kids.

If I'd taught my sons to sit down when they pee, there's a good chance I'd have a significantly cleaner bathroom.

I'm thankful for the path that has taken me to where I am today. Thankfully, it's not too late to chase dreams and share my creative voice.

Now, I just need to find the right balance and routines to manage life and make it happen.