The time is 12:34am. I am hopelessly AWAKE.
After putting the boys to bed, I followed up on some email. I updated some Bucket List items on my blog. I watched one of my favorite shows on tv (Parenthood on NBC) while snuggling with my cats. I loaded the dishwasher. I scoured the kitchen sink. I hand washed the balance of the dishes that wouldn't fit into the dishwasher. I swept the kitchen floor. I threw in a load of laundry. I made a TO DO LIST for the days ahead. I contemplated getting out the vacuum, but decided that 11:30pm was NOT the best time of day to do that. I went to bed. I tried to sleep.
I tried to wake Mike at 12:30, hoping that I could get him to snuggle with me, but I couldn't get him to roll over to cooperate with my plans so, I went downstairs and swapped the load of laundry from the washer to the dryer. I wrote a note on the dry erase board on the fridge. I heard the dishwasher BEEP that it is done, but I doubt that clanking dishes is overly advisable at this hour of night.
I feel like I haven't slept overly well all week.
I think I am nervous about my shots.
I got an automated recording on the phone today, reminding me that they SHOULD arrive on Wednesday. (OH, JOY!)
On Monday night, I got a call back from the nurse that is supposed to come to our house to (re)train me on giving myself shots and to witness the administration of the first dose. Unfortunately, she is leaving on vacation and won't be back until October 7th. She wondered IF I would like to have the drug company arrange for someone else to come sooner than that. (I am supposed to let her know when my medicine arrives to see IF she can make the one hour drive to Dubuque for me on Wednesday.)
On August 1st, after reaching my goal of breastfeeding Silas for 15 months, I made the decision to go back on the medicine and called Madison to have them get the ball rolling. (I had heard that it takes the better part of a month before all is said and done.) Being that August was Breastfeeding Awareness Month, I felt ODD quitting that month, but I let them know that I would be ready to start on September 1st. They told me that they would get the ball rolling and get back to me when they needed to talk more about it.
And then... I waited.
After 3 weeks, each time that the phone would ring, I would tell myself "It's probably Madison." but, it never was. Mike assured me "Maybe it is a sign that you don't need to go on the medicine since they didn't call you back yet." (I love his optimism.)
I waited... and waited...
I think it was closer to 6 weeks before I finally got the nerve to call Madison to inquire (on September 11th), as I was feeling STRESSED whenever the phone rang. Then, I got disappointed that no one called me back that day.
The next day, Madison called me back and informed me that their records indicated that they had faxed my paperwork to the drug company (already); they were also glad that I had called to check up on it - as I had somehow gotten lost in cyberspace. (No one took the blame for it.) They re-sent my information and got confirmation back right away. I had wondered if I had to wait ANOTHER MONTH to start the medicine; they assured me "Absolutely NOT! It shouldn't take long at all." I was told that someone would be in contact with me in the near future. I wasn't expecting later that day.
When looking online, I saw an ad that talked about a $35 co-pay - ASK HOW. So, I did. I was told that because I was interested in that, a case worker would run a test claim and see IF I would qualify for it. (I was NOT really looking forward to my $85 co-pay.) "IF you don't hear back from us within a week, give us a call back to check on your case." So, I marked my calendar.
On the seventh day, I got a teleconference call from the insurance company and mail-order pharmacy. They wondered if I had supplemental insurance. When I said NO, they told me that it would be an $85 copay and wondered how I would like to pay for it. I asked "Do I not qualify for the $35 copay? They told me that they would get back to me within a week." SO, I decided to hold off on placing the order for my meds until I talked to the drug company. Turns out, I really DO qualify for the reduced co-pay.
Nice.
I find myself wondering... IF the nurse isn't available to do my shots, is that yet another SIGN that I am not meant to do them (yet)? Part of me worries about that heart palpitations that I was having last summer after the birth of Silas. Part of me worries about the hivelike reaction that I did get a few times while on this drug. Part of me worries about the rare(r) flushing reaction where you feel like you are having a heart attack, but "it normally resides within 20 minutes." Part of me worries about the electrical shock sensations I get when I tip my head forward. (I haven't been having that as often as I have been lately again... at least, not for a long time.) Part of me worries that there was NO DAMAGE reported on my optic nerve from any of my MRI's or former appointments, but my last checkup, it was noted that there IS some scarring on my right optic nerve. Part of me worries about my leg that has suddenly gave out at me - in the knee - a few times during the past few weeks; thankfully, I haven't fallen or gotten hurt. Part of me worries about my balance with Sydney hanging onto my feet/legs a lot more recently, thinking that it is great fun. Part of me worries about my sudden inability to type like I normally do - with fingers that keep hitting the wrong keys on the keyboard. Part of me worries about the boys climbing on me and (potentially) being SORE from the shots. Part of me wants to go in for one last massage before my body has 7 locations that are OFF LIMITS to massage.
All of these little "parts of me" NEED to STOP WORRYING! (My neurologist told me the story about the patient who worried ALL THE TIME about the MS and eventually, she died of a heart attack instead.)
Mike often reminds me IT IS WHAT IT IS. He reminds me that when given the chance to sink or swim, I'd like to try to swim... and taking Copaxone is likely the opportunity I need to do just that. I need to remind myself that I am doing THIS for my kids, hoping to be around for a long, long time and to enjoy our lives together. I need to admit that I am doing THIS to take care OF MYSELF!
I kind of want to go sneak on of the boys out of their bed to snuggle with me, but I doubt anyone would really appreciate THAT at 1:21am either. MAYBE when I go back to bed, Mike will agree to snuggle... to hold me for a few minutes while I feel comforted and safe in his arms.
I hope my mind and conscience are clearer now and that I am able to sleep. I just let out a BIG YAWN; I take THAT as a good sign.
No comments:
Post a Comment